As I edge towards the end of my pregnancy I thought it might be about to time to get my second trimester update posted, before I miss it entirely, especially as I should really start making some notes so a third trimester update actually happens at some point – I may even try and do an update in the final week of my pregnancy just so it gets done before the fourth trimester and newborn bubble begins.
The glorious trimester
In my first pregnancy my second trimester glow was short lived, by being bogged down with SPD, heart palpitations and generally not feeling great. I am happy to report that my second trimester this time has been absolutely glorious, the trimester I never got the first time round for sure. I have in general felt good, my heart palpitations were minimal (I’ve had that treat in the third trimester this time), I wasn’t tired, I felt almost my normal pre-pregnancy self and at times ‘forgot’ I was pregnant. It was definitely the easiest and most enjoyable trimester.
The big scan
Of course the second trimester bought with it the big anomaly scan and I was nervous. After the on/off gastroschisis diagnosis of the first trimester I have to say it was still hanging over my head a little bit. I was nervous that it was going to show up again just as I had got my mind around everything that happened around 12-14 weeks. We did however get the all clear and it was such a relief to get through that.
The midwife & consultant appointments started
After the pre-eclampsia diagnosis in my previous pregnancy my midwife appointments were set to start at 24 weeks and continue every two weeks until the end of my pregnancy, along with some consultant appointments thrown in too.
The second trimester was wonderful this time round and it was a joy, as well as often forgetting I was pregnant, that is life with a toddler for sure. After the busy time at the end of the first trimester it was definitely nice to be able to enjoy the second trimester a little more. If you want to continue to follow my second pregnancy in real time, head over to Instagram!
My first pregnancy culminated in Pre-eclampsia, but right at the last moment. I suffer with health anxiety which brings with it a level of white coat syndrome, so my blood pressure was never really that low in my first pregnancy and as such my midwife decided to see me on a much more regular basis, just in case. I only ever presented with slightly raised blood pressure until the day I go diagnosed where I presented with rapidly increasing blood pressure, protein in my urine, visual disturbances and a previous headache.
As it turned out I was eventually destined for pre-eclampsia as it developed quickly and rapidly just before my due date. It was because of this that I was able to go straight to induction and delivery, and as is the case in many cases of pre-eclampsia, but blood pressure resolved on delivery.
This is my story of pregnancy after pre-eclampsia
It is sitting at high risk and low risk at the same time. I have a higher risk than the average woman who has never experienced pre-eclampsia in pregnancy before, but not massively higher. It is dealt with by being managed by a consultant, through a daily Aspirin dose and through midwife contact every two weeks. It has me set up for a higher risk pregnancy but presuming pre-eclampsia doesn’t effect this pregnancy it will mean a low risk, midwife-led birth. It was even a possibility that I could have opted for a home birth – something I did consider but ultimately have decided against overall. It’s constantly sitting on tenterhooks, analysing and acting on every single potential symptom and overall just waiting for it to strike. It’s hoping that everything that you do will work and you will sidestep it this time while simultaneously worrying that you won’t.
Pre-eclampsia effects 1 in 25 pregnancies in the UK and despite extensive research it’s still unknown what exactly it is that causes it. It is thought to disrupt the flow of blood/oxygen from mother and baby and to be an issue with the placenta. It is so much more than just high blood pressure or pregnancy induced hypertension. Once you’ve had pre-eclampsia it forever changes your make up, doubling your risk of stroke and quadrupling your risk of high blood pressure as you get older. It also puts you at a higher risk of a future heart attack.
Delivering your baby is the only cure
There is currently only one way to cure pre-eclampsia and that is to deliver your baby. In my first pregnancy I developed it when I had reached full term so the only answer was to deliver as soon as possible. In the hour between leaving my midwife appointment and getting to the hospital my blood pressure had risen exponentially, I had ++ of protein in my urine, I had a bad headache, swollen feet and visual disturbances.
Pre-eclampsia is a dangerous condition, in severe cases can result in both fetal and maternal death, it can mean delivering your baby pre-term if necessary, it forever changes the make up of your body and puts your pregnancy at an increased risk.
Being pregnant in a pandemic is weird, it is odd, it is slightly terrifying and it brings on a lot more anxiety than I expected. Yet I feel a little weird talking about because I made this choice completely knowing what I was embarking on.
It is because I decided this that I have found it hard to bring up and talk about, because I knew the situation we were in (although to be fair in August things looked a lot brighter than they turned out to be) and I went ahead anyway. I knew what I was getting myself into.
Not wanting to wait
Truth be told was that once we decided we wanted to try for another baby we didn’t really want to wait, pandemic or not. In fact it was the pandemic and just a lot of ongoing things that happened in early 2020 that made me feel like our family wasn’t complete in the first place.
I am in my mid-30’s and conscious of some of the associated health risks that can bring and ultimately, once we decided to grow our family, after being one and done for the longest time, we decided that the smaller age gap the better between our children. Also, most of all it felt like the right time. We didn’t know how long this situation would last and we didn’t want to delay growing our family indefinitely. It also took us a couple of years to naturally fall pregnant with our daughter and we didn’t know how long we’d have to wait, evidently not long at all as we got pregnant immediatey. We made our decision knowing everything that could potentially be ahead, in pandemic terms at least.
Strange time to be pregnant
All that aside, it is still a weird time to be pregnant. The early part of my pregnancy took place before maternity restrictions were lifted. I went to my booking appointment and my 12 week scan alone. At my 12 week scan I found out our baby potentially had gastroschisis (which we were so pleased to find out wasn’t the case). My husband was allowed to a couple of fetal medicine scans because of the issues, but soon back out waiting in the car once we got the all-clear. He was able to come in for our 20 week scan and that’s him done now until labour, despite me having many, many appointments with midwives and consultants because of pre-eclampsia in my first pregnancy.
I haven’t minded doing it alone however, I knew that was the situation when I fell pregnant and maybe it is because I am a second time mum because I dare say I might have felt different if it was my first.
A pregnancy in isolation
The weirdest part is being pregnant in isolation. Nobody apart from my husband and daughter have actually seen me pregnant and for the most part by the time we are allowed to see people again I will have had our son. I will have done an entire pregnancy and nobody will really have seen it.
It’s definitely a weird one. Some days are weirder than others. I have no regrets deciding to have a baby in the middle of a pandemic. My care has been completely exceptional despite everything the health service is dealing with and we’ll have a great story to tell our baby boy one day. I’m certain this is an experience I won’t forget in a hurry.
Throughout my first pregnancy with my daughter I always promised myself I would do an update either weekly or through each trimester but that never really happened (apart from I think the second trimester) so I have decided that it is something I would like to try and do this time and with that in mind today is going to be the first of my updates and a little recap of my first trimester of pregnancy. So first thing’s first! I’m pregnant with my second child and I am due in the late spring of 2021.
I guess that some of you might be thinking “ok I thought this girl was very vocal about the fact that she only wanted one child?” and you would definitely be correct in that because up until this year one child was always our plan.
But then 2020 happened and it changed my perspective on a lot of things one of which being that I wanted to give my daughter a sibling.
I felt this way for a little while but I thought that maybe it would go away. When I realised that it wasn’t disappearing I knew I had to do somthing about it. I discussed it with my husband, because he had been on the same page about only wanting one child as well, but when I mentioned how I was feeling here absolutely agreed that we should try for another, something which I know I will be eternally grateful to him for. I expected it to be a while before I fell pregnant as it took over 2 years to conceive Hadley and I was expecting a similar wait this time, so you can imagine my surprise when I fell pregnant in our first month of trying. Having waited so long for Hadley and being so disappointed at so many times throughout our journey it was a massive surprise for it to happen so quickly. It was a surprise but it was also so welcomed because one thing we really wanted was a small age gap between our children. Our children will be 2 years and 3 months apart in age and although I know it’s going to be crazy and busy for many years we’re so excited to have two little ones with a small age gap.
When we found out…
I found out I was pregnant in September and it really was the funniest story. My period was late and I was curious as to why. My period does go through these little blips from time to time throughout the years (and usually when I am actively trying to get pregnant) and I thought this was just like one of those. I was only a few days late but I wasn’t really having any symptoms that I usually get before I get my period so I started to think maybe I needed to take a pregnancy test really just to rule it out. My dad has just come out of hospital after having heart bypass surgery and so we were shielding to keep him safe from covid so it wasn’t as easy as just popping out to grab a pregnancy test. Remembering that I had a spare pregnancy test left over from when I found out I was pregnant with Hadley I decided to try and find it and when I did the expiry date was the same day as the day I found it. It was clear that I might as well take it because this was the last day that it was going to be in date and if I took it after this day then I wouldn’t be able to trust the result anyway. I actually didn’t expect anything, as like I say it took me 27 months to conceive Hadley, you can imagine my surprise when I turned the pregnancy test over and it read the word Pregnant. I don’t think I’ve ever been so shocked or more shaking in my life. My husband was downstairs with my dad and Hadley and I called him up and showed him the pregnancy test. I hadn’t actually mentioned to him at this point that I was going to take a pregnancy test because when I found it ended up taking it on quite a whim. He was obviously over the moon and I think I spend a few days in shock at how quickly it had happened. After waiting for Hadley for so long to fall pregnant on our first try was more than I could have ever expected.
Time to tell?
When we fell pregnant with Hadley were very excited and we told a lot of our close family straight away, but this time we felt a little more apprehensive, maybe it was to do with the ongoing Covid situation or maybe it was just a second pregnancy thing and really knowing that things can go wrong at any moment. Either way, we decided that we would keep a pregnancy pretty much to ourselves and we just told my mum because there was no way I could hide my morning sickness from her even through we were staying apart during Covid.
We knew it was a precarious time to think about getting pregnant, when there is a global pandemic raging outside your door, but we decided that with everything in mind and knowing the risks and realities of the situation that we didn’t want to wait. We were keen for a smaller age gap as well as being aware that I am 35 and wouldn’t really want to leave it too much longer. These things, alongside knowing it took a while to conceive Hadley, helped us make our decision. This was all taking place later summer when the Covid situation looked a little less scary than it does right now, but we were also very aware of the realities of maternity services throughout the pandemic. I wasn’t too worried about having to attend my appointments alone and my husband was also relaxed about maybe not being as involved in the physical sense as he was last time. I plan to do a more in depth post about being pregnant in a pandemic as a second time mum at some point soon too. Realistically we came into this with our eyes wide open, as much as you can with an ever changing situation, and knew what we were doing.
Symptoms?
The first trimester of my pregnancy was very similar to Hadley’s with all the same symptoms, in fact it was quite a reassuring start to my pregnancy in the fact that everything was exactly how I remembered it from the first trimester of her pregnancy. I feel nauseous a lot due to morning sickness but just like the first time round I wasn’t physically sick which I am so grateful for. I had one absolutely killer migraine which sent me to bed for a good few days but other than that and some tiredness on the whole I felt just a little bit icky.
The 12 week scan
End of the first trimester and the 12-week scan ended up being a little bit chaotic. Due to the current restrictions I went to my 12-week scan alone which I was totally ok with because like I said above I planned to get pregnant in a pandemic and I knew what to expect. I really think it also helped being a second time Mum and already knowing what the process was like like which meant I didn’t feel as apprehensive going into my 12 week scan by myself as maybe I would have done as a first time Mum. At the 12-week scan, while I was by myself, the radiographer said that they thought they saw something on the baby’s umbilical cord or nearby and they suspected it might be something called Gastroschisis. Gastroschisis is an abdominal wall defect where there is a hole in the abdominal wall and the baby’s bowel can escape through and grows outside of the body. This is a serious condition but is 100% fixable by surgery upon birth. After having this 12-week scan they referred me to the fetal medicine unit so I could have a more in-depth scan. The fetal medicine scan was the next day at my local hospital and for this appointment because they had found a birth defect they allowed my husband to come in as well. The scan appointment confirmed Gastroschisis and we were referred to UCLH in London for further evaluation.
Fetal Medicine & London
Just after I turned 13 weeks and then to the second trimester we went to a fetal medicine scan at UCLH which to our huge surprise confirmed that they saw no abdominal wall defect at all. They suggested that maybe what had been seen was a hernia that had resolved itself. I was scanned and those images looked at by two fetal medicine consultants and a midwife, as well as the baby apparently being in a perfect position, and all were fairly confident that they could not see any abdominal wall defects at all. Gastroschisis rarely picked up so early anyway and is usually picked up at the 20-week scan. We will know for definite at the 20-week scan but as far as UCLH are concerned they see no abdominal wall defect and my consultant and community midwife are confident that what has been seen (or not seen as the case may be) is correct. As you can imagine going back and forth like this was incredibly stressful and draining and we’re keeping everything crossed for a clear 20-week scan. At the time of posting I will have just turned 19 weeks, so not long to wait now and I will be sure to keep you updated (but you can follow me on Instagram where I usually update a bit more in real-time).
Almost half way there
Now we’re almost at the half way point, once we’ve got the confirmation either way on the Gastroschisis diagnosis I might start to think about what I need to get for the new baby. We’re ready to deal with whatever comes our way of course but are hopeful for a clear scan so the baby doesn’t have to have a rocky start in life.
We decided, with the back and forth’s that have happened so far, that this time we will find out our babies birth gender. We never did with Hadley and also never had the desire to but this time we’re quite excited to know. We’ve had a lot of surprises so far so aren’t really up for any more, but also think it will be nice to have experienced pregnancy and labour both ways.
Anything else?
I know this is a super long update but honestly, it was such a busy and chaotic first trimester of pregnancy. Other than that I have had a consultant appointment to evaluate my previous pregnancy issues. In my first pregnancy I developed Pre-eclampsia at 39+6 so they are on the lookout for that and being pro-active in ways we can hopefully avoid it. I have been put on Asprin daily and know that there will be a lot of monitoring post 24 weeks, both with my community midwife and also in the form of growth scans and consultant appointments. I also suffered a postpartum hemorrhage with my daughter but it is believed to have been situational (Pre-eclampsia, induction, episiotomy, and a forceps delivery) and they aren’t particularly concerned. If you want to read about everything that happened the first time round I have my birth story on here too.
I’ll leave it there for today, because this is more than enough information to digest in one sitting. So far since the scan at UCLH everything has been a little more relaxing and I am thoroughly enjoying my second trimester, I think I feel better this trimester than I did in my second trimester in my first pregnancy. I will of course update somethings in the meantime such as how we get on with our 20-week scan, the Gastroschisis diagnosis and also maybe a little gender reveal too. Other than that I will be back in a couple of months to do my second trimester update and hopefully it will be far less busy than this one was.
A post about the breastfeeding heartbreak I experienced when feeding my first child.
The hardest thing about writing this post is definitely in the relieving it, because although I know I made the best decision, although I know that my breastfeeding journey played out exactly how it was supposed to, sometimes going over it still brings up the old emotions that I felt when I was in the midst of it. That being said, if I can help one mama feel less alone then that is all that matters.
Breastfeeding started out great, in fact so good that I felt absolutely elated and grateful that I wasn’t having any struggles. Fast forward a few days and things look remarkably different. We’d had a few issues mostly with pain and latch which I know can be common but Hadley then stopped feeding from my right side entirely and no matter what I tried I could not get her to latch. With help from my community midwife and a lactation specialist and we finally managed to get her back and things seemed as though they were moving in the right direction.
Only things weren’t moving in the right direction as H was loosing weight (we’re talking way beyond the usual drop from birth weight that most babies experience) and medical professionals were showing up to weigh her daily, all looking more concerned than the one before that she wasn’t gaining any weight.
And then there was me. I was struggling but I really didn’t know how to verbalise it, especially as all this hit around the same time as the hormonal drop known as the baby blues (not to be confused with postnatal depression which is something very different). I was struggling both physically and emotionally with breastfeeding; I was in so much pain from being so sore from a bad latch, I was bleeding, I felt so lonely when I was up alone feeding. I shared my feelings of loneliness with my husband who from that moment on made it a priority to wake up with me for every night feed and let me tell you I felt so grateful. And if all of that wasn’t enough I then got double mastitis, twice.
Let me tell you this; I have never felt more of a failure than I did in those moments. Never have I ever felt so alone and hormones definitely didn’t help when it came to rationalising what I wanted or needed to do. Hadley was still losing weight and on the cusp of being readmitted to hospital (there was also worry surrounding her jaundice from birth as it was assumed that maybe I wasn’t producing enough milk, so she wasn’t getting enough which meant she wasn’t excreting enough to clear her jaundice).
I knew that I had to make a choice, was it the right one? For me, in that moment, yes. Do I wish it had been different? Also yes. All I knew was that I needed to feed her, I needed her to thrive and our decision was to supplement her with formula. Watching her drink down her first bottle of formula gave me so much joy while simultaneously breaking my heart. One week on from her birth and for the first time she became a contented baby we hadn’t yet seen. I think it was correct that I probably hadn’t been able to produce enough breast milk for her, as from that moment onwards she was happy, content and has thrived ever since. Some from then on we combo fed her until I felt like my journey with breastfeeding was done.
Stopping breastfeeding was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make. People told me to just stop but nobody tells you how difficult the emotions attached to it are (so much so that I pumped one extra week longer than I gave her breast milk because I wasn’t ready to stop).
My breastfeeding journey wasn’t easy and for so long it has hurt my mama heart so much and I am sure every time I look back on it will always be a little tinged with sadness. BUT that being said, I know I absolutely made the best decision for my baby, however hard that was for me, as she very quickly became the thriving baby we all see today.
It’s been 6.5 months since our little Hadley joined us and I know everyone says it, but I honestly cannot fathom where the time has gone. In the last month she’s changed so much too, she’s eating solids, she’s saying mama, she’s waving and so much more! It’s so incredible to watch out little baby grow in front of our eyes.
Where I am 6 months on…
Today I want to talk about where I am 6 months on from giving birth, and while I am very aware I never sat down here to do my birth story, you can catch it in brief on my IGTV. I touched on my feelings about my body post-baby on my Instagram this week and I was overwhelmed by the number of women that reached out to me with their stories of how they feel about their bodies since becoming a mum.
When I was pregnant with Hadley I was honestly so nervous about getting stretch marks; I would ask my own mum constantly whether she got stretch marks throughout her pregnancy with me (hoping to sidestep them simply through genetics), I would keep my bump moisturised constantly with a super hydrating moisturiser and I would on occasion have a look at the parts of me that I could still see and see if any had popped up. I never found anything, except maybe a few at the top of my legs in very late pregnancy, but honestly, by that point, I’d even lost the will to care.
After fussing about stretch marks for the longest time and never getting any of note, they all appeared after as my body shrunk back down (or what I affectionally call “the deflate”). At first they were red and purple although now they have already faded massively and are barely visible, except to me of course 😉 (I am still human after all). As well as the stretch marks on my stomach, the thigh ones remained and I also gained a fair few on my boobs too, although that might very well be from breastfeeding.
How do I feel about my body now?
I have always felt fairly lucky because I have never really had any hang-ups about my body, I have always been confident in how I look and equally grateful that I have this mindset because I know so many don’t. Like I said, before Hadley was born I was nervous about what my body would look like post-pregnancy; Would I still love it? How would I feel about the changes it had gone through that were still visible? Would I still feel confident in my own skin? Would I still be able to maintain that strong mindset when everything looked and felt different? Would I still be able to look at myself in the mirror in the same way I had done before?
I do see a different body staring back, but it’s a body that is strong and a body that, no matter what, I should be proud of. This body has stretch marks where they never used to be, I still see my Linea Negra and maybe I always will, I have looser skin and my body shape has changed. But I don’t hate what I see.
When I look in the mirror now I definitely see a different body staring back, not bad different, just different. I see a body that carried a nourished a baby for 40 weeks and 2 days. I see a body that endured spd, heart palpitations and pre-eclampsia to bring my baby into the world. I see a body that endured induced labour, an epidural, a forceps delivery and an episiotomy. I see a body that took so many weeks to recover from the physical aspects of birth. I see a body that helped nourish my baby on the inside for over 40 weeks and on the outside for 6 weeks. I can’t hate that.
Postpartum bodies all look different; different to the way they used to and different to each other but they are all unique in their own special way. Loving yourself in a world that doesn’t want you to is not easy, but please be kind to yourself mama’s, your body has performed miracles.
