Parenting

  • Motherhood

    The radical act of being a stay at home parent

    When I had my daughter two and a half years ago I took an extended maternity leave of 15 months and I didn’t know if I had the intention of returning to work. Then the pandemic hit (incidentally at that same time I was due off of maternity leave) and I changed my mind. For the first time in a while, I wanted to do something for myself again, especially to take my mind off of the pandemic. I still had the privilege of being the parent that stayed home, did some work for myself in the evenings, and helped contribute financially in a time where things were more uncertain.

    As time went on I found that my unpaid work, the work of being home with my toddler was all-consuming and I found it difficult to carve out time to do my paid work, especially when my heart was in parenting and not in my paid work. I worked until I went onto maternity leave with my son this past spring, but it got me thinking about how being a stay-at-home parent is no longer the societal norm, in fact, it’s becoming a radical choice within our parenting.

    blue jeans
    Photo by Alexandr Podvalny on Pexels.com

    Recently, I had an appointment and as part of the introduction we went through a few things about me, so I could get the best out of the service and one of the questions I was asked was what do I do. For the first time I proudly said that my job was being a stay-at-home parent, and it’s not that I am even ashamed by it, but it is one of those things that can be taken either way and in some situations consistently looked down on by some people, that it ends up irking you every time you have to try and justify it.

    Being a parent that stays home with their children is a whole job, it’s just as valuable as being a parent that goes out to work. There is no us vs them. Some of us parent full time at home with our children 24/7 and some of us parent full time from the office (or at home) while working for ourselves or someone else. It feels like returning to work is the norm now (and if that works for you and your family then that’s all that matters) and staying home is a radical act.

    Choosing to stay home

    Before we had children, when we first got married (and discussions happened even before that) we knew the kind of life we wanted to set up for ourselves, and although things will never go to any exact plan, we had a rough idea of what we wanted our life to look like. We knew we wanted to have one child (and later decided that actually, we wanted two), that I wanted to stay home with them, that we were extremely passionate about home educating them and not putting them in any formal school or educational setting and that we wanted to set up our life to facilitate that. These things are paramount to us, and while I am acutely aware of the privilege that I am afforded in being able to do this, it’s not by accident either.

    So often in the media or maybe even on social media portrays parents who chose to stay home as parents who sit around socialising, drinking tea (or coffee). It’s viewed the lesser of the two options, it’s not celebrated and it’s rarely considered a legitimate career choice. In fact, if anything, it’s an incredibly undervalued way to spend your time.

    Living a slow, smaller, more intentional life

    We chose to purchase a home that we loved but also one that didn’t overstretch us financially. We have never factored my income into what we needed to survive. This way we have never had to worry about whether I work or not. Again, it’s a privilege I recognise. It is important to us that we prioritise this way of living over everything else. So often in our lives, we are almost conditioned to want the next bigger and better thing, a bigger house, a newer car, constantly creating a bigger and better (and more expensive life) that we end up needing two incomes to be able to achieve. This way of living is so deep-rooted, engrained and that it is expected that this the way we should live and raise our children.

    Let’s not confuse things though, we live the fullest life. We do everything we want to do, we have a home that we love, and despite common perception, we have enough space for us all (and more). We focus on the things that we love and that bring us joy, being together, raising our babies as freethinkers, being dedicated to their experiences, home education, exploring outdoors, raising up and allotment from the ground and in the not too distant future we hope to purchase our dream camper van and travel, love, learn and explore.

    Walking a different path

    Walking a different path to the societal norm and not wanting to keep up with the majority brings up so many questions for so many people. Walking your own, outside of the norm, path seems to awaken something in others that makes them think that your choices directly questuon theirs. I can’t help it if my way of parenting and living life gets other people’s backs up or makes them feel like their own choices are being attacked, it’s certainly not my intention, but I also won’t water myself down to make others feel comfortable.

    It’s about creating a life that not only looks good but feels good too.

  • Motherhood

    Pregnant in a Pandemic

    Being pregnant in a pandemic is weird, it is odd, it is slightly terrifying and it brings on a lot more anxiety than I expected. Yet I feel a little weird talking about because I made this choice completely knowing what I was embarking on.

    I am not like the women who were pregnant and suddenly found them slap bang in the middle of a pandemic, but I am amongst a growing number of women who have decided to try for a baby in this volatile situation.

    Hard to mention

    It is because I decided this that I have found it hard to bring up and talk about, because I knew the situation we were in (although to be fair in August things looked a lot brighter than they turned out to be) and I went ahead anyway. I knew what I was getting myself into.

    Not wanting to wait

    Truth be told was that once we decided we wanted to try for another baby we didn’t really want to wait, pandemic or not. In fact it was the pandemic and just a lot of ongoing things that happened in early 2020 that made me feel like our family wasn’t complete in the first place.

    I am in my mid-30’s and conscious of some of the associated health risks that can bring and ultimately, once we decided to grow our family, after being one and done for the longest time, we decided that the smaller age gap the better between our children. Also, most of all it felt like the right time. We didn’t know how long this situation would last and we didn’t want to delay growing our family indefinitely. It also took us a couple of years to naturally fall pregnant with our daughter and we didn’t know how long we’d have to wait, evidently not long at all as we got pregnant immediatey. We made our decision knowing everything that could potentially be ahead, in pandemic terms at least.

    Strange time to be pregnant

    All that aside, it is still a weird time to be pregnant. The early part of my pregnancy took place before maternity restrictions were lifted. I went to my booking appointment and my 12 week scan alone. At my 12 week scan I found out our baby potentially had gastroschisis (which we were so pleased to find out wasn’t the case). My husband was allowed to a couple of fetal medicine scans because of the issues, but soon back out waiting in the car once we got the all-clear. He was able to come in for our 20 week scan and that’s him done now until labour, despite me having many, many appointments with midwives and consultants because of pre-eclampsia in my first pregnancy.

    I haven’t minded doing it alone however, I knew that was the situation when I fell pregnant and maybe it is because I am a second time mum because I dare say I might have felt different if it was my first.

    A pregnancy in isolation

    The weirdest part is being pregnant in isolation. Nobody apart from my husband and daughter have actually seen me pregnant and for the most part by the time we are allowed to see people again I will have had our son. I will have done an entire pregnancy and nobody will really have seen it.

    It’s definitely a weird one. Some days are weirder than others. I have no regrets deciding to have a baby in the middle of a pandemic. My care has been completely exceptional despite everything the health service is dealing with and we’ll have a great story to tell our baby boy one day. I’m certain this is an experience I won’t forget in a hurry.

  • Motherhood

    The untold burden of Motherhood (in a pandemic)

    Everything feels a lot at the moment, especially in Motherhood, and because I am super productive (read: have to work way ahead of myself in one short burst because hello, motherhood) I am writing this towards the end of January 2021, despite the fact that you will be reading it towards the end of February. At the time of writing we’re currently in a national lockdown in the UK (and I don’t expect much will have changed by the time this is published either, although I hope beyond hope things are at least heading in the right direction) and this one is different. This is our third national lockdown and I don’t know if it’s because it is the third one, because it is January and miserable or because there is nothing to look forward to but this one feels harder.

    Some times it feels fine, sometimes it feels hard but one thing is for sure, I know that for a long time I have been putting myself last. I don’t think my story is in isolation though so I thought I would come on and spill my brain into this post, and try and work out why us mothers are shouldering so much of the burden of this pandemic when it comes to keeping everyday life going.

    It began in 2020

    The last year of our lives has been a weird one for us all and I don’t even know if we’re even processing quite what we’re all living through. A lot of it seems like survival mode and maybe it’s something we will truly come to terms with once it is all over.

    There is one thing I have noticed though, both in my own life, in my friends lives, in the lives of people I know online and that is the untold burden of motherhood through a pandemic.

    Changes, Changes, Changes

    For me the biggest change has been my career. It’s been the oddest time because I was due to come off of maternity leave in late February/early March, so I timed it just right in terms of the pandemic kicking off. I didn’t even really know what I was coming off of maternity leave for if I am honest. My career in Social Media Management and Personal Brand Strategy was something I actually thought I had left behind when I clocked off for the last time in December 2018. I wanted to do something but I wasn’t sure what. Then I didn’t really get time to think because hello, Pandemic! My husbands job at first didn’t seem safe and it was an incredibly worrying time, so I jumped back into what I knew and went for it, pedal to the metal.

    Thankfully his job situation did improve although with the ongoing pandemic although it worries me often. I don’t think any of us can truly feel comfortable right now. He is the breadwinner in our home and it’s been even more important throughout the last year that we have that safety. As time passed the need changed somewhat, and without the ability for too much help with childcare I found my work having to take a backseat. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t overly minded because it wasn’t something I was intending to come back to but I feel better when I have something else to occupy my mind. Being a stay at home mum right now isn’t through choice, it’s through necessity and it is here that lies the untold burden of motherhood.

    Motherhood and the Pandemic

    Mothers taking the slack, having to sit in a more supportive role (some by choice, others by need), having to decide between working or staying home, crisis schooling their children some while trying to hold down full time and part time jobs, some still having bosses to answer to and deadlines to meet, being refused furlough on childcare grounds and in situations like ours knowing that the breadwinners salary and work has to come first in such a precarious situation. This doesn’t even touch on those who are working in key worker roles, on the front line throughout this pandemic. As well as the mothers (first time and subsequent) who are experiencing pregnancy and birth through it too. The burden is heavy and we are taking the toll.

    Now I know this won’t be everyone’s truth, but it is the truth of many, and it’s become a well-known fact that women (and particularly mothers) are bearing the brunt of this pandemic more than anyone else.

    Working mum to stay at home mum (and not through choice)

    For me it’s been a strange transition from always doing something and needing something for my sanity to having to switch to being a full time stay at home mum. It’s a strange switch for me and although I have no pressure from my husband I am extremely mindful of the situation of the pandemic and how I need to support what he needs in his job. His salary is the difference and right now it has to come first. My switch from working mum to stay at home mum (well almost, I am still winding a few bits up) has been difficult for me and it is definitely an adjustment, especially being pregnant too, knowing that maternity leave is awaiting.

    It can feel really heavy

    Mothering and motherhood through a pandemic, I’ve found, can feel unrelenting. It is full-on at the best of times, but it is now spending more time than ever confined within four walls. It is parenting without our village and it is making hard decisions and sometimes sacrificing ourselves for what needs to be done for the good of our family.

    I don’t have the answers, I don’t know why we are taking the brunt of it and I don’t know how we make things change. I do know though that this won’t last forever and I just hope when all is said and done we remember that no matter how hard, isolating and unbearable it felt at times that we made it through the otherside. And there is another side, even if it doesn’t quite feel that way yet.

    You’re doing great, even if it doesn’t feel that way, I promise that you are.

  • Motherhood

    Minimal Toys & Toy Rotation

    Something we’ve really been working on since toys became a major feature in our world is reducing how many toys there are in our world. Sounds counterproductive I know but stay with me.

    Throughout 2020 we spent a lot of time reorganising, decluttering, and minimalising the things we own and we have been so successful with that, and toys have been one of those things. We have been creating a calm and soothing play environment using minimal toys and using toy rotation to keep play fresh, engaging, and interactive.

    Why minimal toys?

    Did you know fewer toys creates a better depth of play? Literally having less choice and only have a small number of toys enables children to use their imaginations more, become more creative in their play and it can even be attributed to deeper cognitive development too (“The influence of the number of toys on the environment on toddlers’ play” published in the journal of Infant Behaviour and Development). The higher the number of toys, the more mess that creates around them can stifle their play and their imaginations. I have seen it myself before we opted to follow this route. With more toys my daughter would either play sporadically or just bypass it entirely at times. As soon as we significantly reduced the number of toys around her she began to play more deeply and creatively. We rotate our toys monthly at the moment (more about toy rotation in a minute) and we notice an incredible difference between the beginning of our rotation cycle (when everything is fresh and new) and at the end (when things are starting to get a little boring).

    So, does it work?

    Aside from the science to back it up we have really noticed a difference in the way our daughter plays, creates, imagines, and interacts with her toys since making the change. Less definitely is more and is a great motivator for her to be more creative with her own toys too. When toys are messy and overbearing creativity is stifled and play is much more limited.

    Toy Rotation

    I know what you’re thinking “But we already own too much” but let me share this with you – it doesn’t all need to be out and available at the same time. We’ve already accumulated a lot of things through preloved toys being handed down and gifts, and I also understand the feeling that you want all of it to be used. So what if I told you this: it’s more likely that all your toys will be used far more intently and more often if you offered them in smaller batches. What we have seen is when all the toys are available things don’t always get played with in any depth. When offered with a smaller batch of toys then they seem to be played with and used at a much deeper level.

    We separate our toys into 3 rotations; 1 in use and 2 stored, and we rotate monthly to keep the toys fresh. We still keep some key pieces available throughout, such as her kitchen, but at the end of the rotation we swap everything round. She is always delighted with her toys and it’s always so fun to see her rediscover them, as if they are brand new, after a short time away.

    I plan to jump into how I organise her toys and what our minimal toys and rotations look like, so stay tuned here and over on my Instagram page.

  • Unschooling

    Why we decided on Home education

    There is so much joy in following your own path and seeking wonder to fill your child’s precious early years. My wants for my daughter and her brother (who at the time of writing I am in my second trimester of pregnancy with) is that they are surrounded by the freedom to explore their world, to express their love for what matters to them, to be guided by their own self belief and to experience a childhood full of wonder and beauty.

    Time moves fast and my dream to give them a long and slow childhood, with no rush to grow up, no early interludes into academics and a childhood filled with their passions, loves and interests. The biggest and most radical contribution I can make to this world is not in who I am or what I do, it’s in the little people I have the honour of raising.

    Home educating by choice

    Let me be honest here, it’s early 2021 and on and off for the past year families have been crisis schooling (or emergency schooling) their children from home due to the Covid-19 pandemic, it’s not the easiest of times to be standing up and saying “Hey, I am going to home educate my child by choice”, because the current pushed agenda is that what is currently happening is home schooling, when in fact the current situation is so far from what true home education really looks like. Right now we’re all trying to just get through these times of crisis in the best ways we can and I do hope that soon our world can return to some normality again.

    In fact, standing up at anytime and talking about taking the home education route is kind of scary and a little bit nerve-wracking. It’s something that can really be open to a lot of judgment when it’s something that maybe people don’t know too much about.

    It’s always been in the plans

    Funnily enough the current Covid situation has played no part in our decisions to home educate our children, it is something that has been in the works since before we had children, became a serious conversation throughout my first pregnancy and has become something we’re both even more passionate about in the years since.

    Our daughter is just 2 so it might seem a little odd to you (if you aren’t from the home education world) that I am already talking about educating, but the way home educating looks is so different from school that we’ve been putting our rhythms and ideas for homeschooling really since birth. It’s a conscious thought in our brains and it’s not even a blip on the radar to our daughter, and it’s something I feel passionate about continuing throughout our home education journey.

    Sharing as we go

    Both my husband and I have some very strong ideas, plans and feelings about education in general and also what we would like our own home education journey to look like. However I am certain this will grow and evolve as we move through life with our children. We’re passionate about the unschooling philosophy as well as being inspired by Montessori and even a little Waldorf, all of which I plan to go into along the way, as we grow and evolve together. As well as covering so many subjects throughout their home education, being a historian means I am passionate about sharing so many aspects of history with them. Looking back at family history is a great reference point when it comes to delving into history, along with the personal connections we make as we connect to our own past.

    One thing is for certain, I know in my heart of hearts that this is a wonderful decision for our family, I know that we’re so excited to embark on this adventure and also I can’t wait to share this journey here and on my Instagram page too.

    Do you home educate, or plan to, with your children? I would love to connect with you as we move through this journey together.

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