Being pregnant in a pandemic is weird, it is odd, it is slightly terrifying and it brings on a lot more anxiety than I expected. Yet I feel a little weird talking about because I made this choice completely knowing what I was embarking on.
It is because I decided this that I have found it hard to bring up and talk about, because I knew the situation we were in (although to be fair in August things looked a lot brighter than they turned out to be) and I went ahead anyway. I knew what I was getting myself into.
Not wanting to wait
Truth be told was that once we decided we wanted to try for another baby we didn’t really want to wait, pandemic or not. In fact it was the pandemic and just a lot of ongoing things that happened in early 2020 that made me feel like our family wasn’t complete in the first place.
I am in my mid-30’s and conscious of some of the associated health risks that can bring and ultimately, once we decided to grow our family, after being one and done for the longest time, we decided that the smaller age gap the better between our children. Also, most of all it felt like the right time. We didn’t know how long this situation would last and we didn’t want to delay growing our family indefinitely. It also took us a couple of years to naturally fall pregnant with our daughter and we didn’t know how long we’d have to wait, evidently not long at all as we got pregnant immediatey. We made our decision knowing everything that could potentially be ahead, in pandemic terms at least.
Strange time to be pregnant
All that aside, it is still a weird time to be pregnant. The early part of my pregnancy took place before maternity restrictions were lifted. I went to my booking appointment and my 12 week scan alone. At my 12 week scan I found out our baby potentially had gastroschisis (which we were so pleased to find out wasn’t the case). My husband was allowed to a couple of fetal medicine scans because of the issues, but soon back out waiting in the car once we got the all-clear. He was able to come in for our 20 week scan and that’s him done now until labour, despite me having many, many appointments with midwives and consultants because of pre-eclampsia in my first pregnancy.
I haven’t minded doing it alone however, I knew that was the situation when I fell pregnant and maybe it is because I am a second time mum because I dare say I might have felt different if it was my first.
A pregnancy in isolation
The weirdest part is being pregnant in isolation. Nobody apart from my husband and daughter have actually seen me pregnant and for the most part by the time we are allowed to see people again I will have had our son. I will have done an entire pregnancy and nobody will really have seen it.
It’s definitely a weird one. Some days are weirder than others. I have no regrets deciding to have a baby in the middle of a pandemic. My care has been completely exceptional despite everything the health service is dealing with and we’ll have a great story to tell our baby boy one day. I’m certain this is an experience I won’t forget in a hurry.
Everything feels a lot at the moment, especially in Motherhood, and because I am super productive (read: have to work way ahead of myself in one short burst because hello, motherhood) I am writing this towards the end of January 2021, despite the fact that you will be reading it towards the end of February. At the time of writing we’re currently in a national lockdown in the UK (and I don’t expect much will have changed by the time this is published either, although I hope beyond hope things are at least heading in the right direction) and this one is different. This is our third national lockdown and I don’t know if it’s because it is the third one, because it is January and miserable or because there is nothing to look forward to but this one feels harder.
Some times it feels fine, sometimes it feels hard but one thing is for sure, I know that for a long time I have been putting myself last. I don’t think my story is in isolation though so I thought I would come on and spill my brain into this post, and try and work out why us mothers are shouldering so much of the burden of this pandemic when it comes to keeping everyday life going.
It began in 2020
The last year of our lives has been a weird one for us all and I don’t even know if we’re even processing quite what we’re all living through. A lot of it seems like survival mode and maybe it’s something we will truly come to terms with once it is all over.
There is one thing I have noticed though, both in my own life, in my friends lives, in the lives of people I know online and that is the untold burden of motherhood through a pandemic.
Changes, Changes, Changes
For me the biggest change has been my career. It’s been the oddest time because I was due to come off of maternity leave in late February/early March, so I timed it just right in terms of the pandemic kicking off. I didn’t even really know what I was coming off of maternity leave for if I am honest. My career in Social Media Management and Personal Brand Strategy was something I actually thought I had left behind when I clocked off for the last time in December 2018. I wanted to do something but I wasn’t sure what. Then I didn’t really get time to think because hello, Pandemic! My husbands job at first didn’t seem safe and it was an incredibly worrying time, so I jumped back into what I knew and went for it, pedal to the metal.
Thankfully his job situation did improve although with the ongoing pandemic although it worries me often. I don’t think any of us can truly feel comfortable right now. He is the breadwinner in our home and it’s been even more important throughout the last year that we have that safety. As time passed the need changed somewhat, and without the ability for too much help with childcare I found my work having to take a backseat. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t overly minded because it wasn’t something I was intending to come back to but I feel better when I have something else to occupy my mind. Being a stay at home mum right now isn’t through choice, it’s through necessity and it is here that lies the untold burden of motherhood.
Motherhood and the Pandemic
Mothers taking the slack, having to sit in a more supportive role (some by choice, others by need), having to decide between working or staying home, crisis schooling their children some while trying to hold down full time and part time jobs, some still having bosses to answer to and deadlines to meet, being refused furlough on childcare grounds and in situations like ours knowing that the breadwinners salary and work has to come first in such a precarious situation. This doesn’t even touch on those who are working in key worker roles, on the front line throughout this pandemic. As well as the mothers (first time and subsequent) who are experiencing pregnancy and birth through it too. The burden is heavy and we are taking the toll.
Now I know this won’t be everyone’s truth, but it is the truth of many, and it’s become a well-known fact that women (and particularly mothers) are bearing the brunt of this pandemic more than anyone else.
Working mum to stay at home mum (and not through choice)
For me it’s been a strange transition from always doing something and needing something for my sanity to having to switch to being a full time stay at home mum. It’s a strange switch for me and although I have no pressure from my husband I am extremely mindful of the situation of the pandemic and how I need to support what he needs in his job. His salary is the difference and right now it has to come first. My switch from working mum to stay at home mum (well almost, I am still winding a few bits up) has been difficult for me and it is definitely an adjustment, especially being pregnant too, knowing that maternity leave is awaiting.
It can feel really heavy
Mothering and motherhood through a pandemic, I’ve found, can feel unrelenting. It is full-on at the best of times, but it is now spending more time than ever confined within four walls. It is parenting without our village and it is making hard decisions and sometimes sacrificing ourselves for what needs to be done for the good of our family.
I don’t have the answers, I don’t know why we are taking the brunt of it and I don’t know how we make things change. I do know though that this won’t last forever and I just hope when all is said and done we remember that no matter how hard, isolating and unbearable it felt at times that we made it through the otherside. And there is another side, even if it doesn’t quite feel that way yet.
You’re doing great, even if it doesn’t feel that way, I promise that you are.
Throughout my first pregnancy with my daughter I always promised myself I would do an update either weekly or through each trimester but that never really happened (apart from I think the second trimester) so I have decided that it is something I would like to try and do this time and with that in mind today is going to be the first of my updates and a little recap of my first trimester of pregnancy. So first thing’s first! I’m pregnant with my second child and I am due in the late spring of 2021.
I guess that some of you might be thinking “ok I thought this girl was very vocal about the fact that she only wanted one child?” and you would definitely be correct in that because up until this year one child was always our plan.
But then 2020 happened and it changed my perspective on a lot of things one of which being that I wanted to give my daughter a sibling.
I felt this way for a little while but I thought that maybe it would go away. When I realised that it wasn’t disappearing I knew I had to do somthing about it. I discussed it with my husband, because he had been on the same page about only wanting one child as well, but when I mentioned how I was feeling here absolutely agreed that we should try for another, something which I know I will be eternally grateful to him for. I expected it to be a while before I fell pregnant as it took over 2 years to conceive Hadley and I was expecting a similar wait this time, so you can imagine my surprise when I fell pregnant in our first month of trying. Having waited so long for Hadley and being so disappointed at so many times throughout our journey it was a massive surprise for it to happen so quickly. It was a surprise but it was also so welcomed because one thing we really wanted was a small age gap between our children. Our children will be 2 years and 3 months apart in age and although I know it’s going to be crazy and busy for many years we’re so excited to have two little ones with a small age gap.
When we found out…
I found out I was pregnant in September and it really was the funniest story. My period was late and I was curious as to why. My period does go through these little blips from time to time throughout the years (and usually when I am actively trying to get pregnant) and I thought this was just like one of those. I was only a few days late but I wasn’t really having any symptoms that I usually get before I get my period so I started to think maybe I needed to take a pregnancy test really just to rule it out. My dad has just come out of hospital after having heart bypass surgery and so we were shielding to keep him safe from covid so it wasn’t as easy as just popping out to grab a pregnancy test. Remembering that I had a spare pregnancy test left over from when I found out I was pregnant with Hadley I decided to try and find it and when I did the expiry date was the same day as the day I found it. It was clear that I might as well take it because this was the last day that it was going to be in date and if I took it after this day then I wouldn’t be able to trust the result anyway. I actually didn’t expect anything, as like I say it took me 27 months to conceive Hadley, you can imagine my surprise when I turned the pregnancy test over and it read the word Pregnant. I don’t think I’ve ever been so shocked or more shaking in my life. My husband was downstairs with my dad and Hadley and I called him up and showed him the pregnancy test. I hadn’t actually mentioned to him at this point that I was going to take a pregnancy test because when I found it ended up taking it on quite a whim. He was obviously over the moon and I think I spend a few days in shock at how quickly it had happened. After waiting for Hadley for so long to fall pregnant on our first try was more than I could have ever expected.
Time to tell?
When we fell pregnant with Hadley were very excited and we told a lot of our close family straight away, but this time we felt a little more apprehensive, maybe it was to do with the ongoing Covid situation or maybe it was just a second pregnancy thing and really knowing that things can go wrong at any moment. Either way, we decided that we would keep a pregnancy pretty much to ourselves and we just told my mum because there was no way I could hide my morning sickness from her even through we were staying apart during Covid.
We knew it was a precarious time to think about getting pregnant, when there is a global pandemic raging outside your door, but we decided that with everything in mind and knowing the risks and realities of the situation that we didn’t want to wait. We were keen for a smaller age gap as well as being aware that I am 35 and wouldn’t really want to leave it too much longer. These things, alongside knowing it took a while to conceive Hadley, helped us make our decision. This was all taking place later summer when the Covid situation looked a little less scary than it does right now, but we were also very aware of the realities of maternity services throughout the pandemic. I wasn’t too worried about having to attend my appointments alone and my husband was also relaxed about maybe not being as involved in the physical sense as he was last time. I plan to do a more in depth post about being pregnant in a pandemic as a second time mum at some point soon too. Realistically we came into this with our eyes wide open, as much as you can with an ever changing situation, and knew what we were doing.
Symptoms?
The first trimester of my pregnancy was very similar to Hadley’s with all the same symptoms, in fact it was quite a reassuring start to my pregnancy in the fact that everything was exactly how I remembered it from the first trimester of her pregnancy. I feel nauseous a lot due to morning sickness but just like the first time round I wasn’t physically sick which I am so grateful for. I had one absolutely killer migraine which sent me to bed for a good few days but other than that and some tiredness on the whole I felt just a little bit icky.
The 12 week scan
End of the first trimester and the 12-week scan ended up being a little bit chaotic. Due to the current restrictions I went to my 12-week scan alone which I was totally ok with because like I said above I planned to get pregnant in a pandemic and I knew what to expect. I really think it also helped being a second time Mum and already knowing what the process was like like which meant I didn’t feel as apprehensive going into my 12 week scan by myself as maybe I would have done as a first time Mum. At the 12-week scan, while I was by myself, the radiographer said that they thought they saw something on the baby’s umbilical cord or nearby and they suspected it might be something called Gastroschisis. Gastroschisis is an abdominal wall defect where there is a hole in the abdominal wall and the baby’s bowel can escape through and grows outside of the body. This is a serious condition but is 100% fixable by surgery upon birth. After having this 12-week scan they referred me to the fetal medicine unit so I could have a more in-depth scan. The fetal medicine scan was the next day at my local hospital and for this appointment because they had found a birth defect they allowed my husband to come in as well. The scan appointment confirmed Gastroschisis and we were referred to UCLH in London for further evaluation.
Fetal Medicine & London
Just after I turned 13 weeks and then to the second trimester we went to a fetal medicine scan at UCLH which to our huge surprise confirmed that they saw no abdominal wall defect at all. They suggested that maybe what had been seen was a hernia that had resolved itself. I was scanned and those images looked at by two fetal medicine consultants and a midwife, as well as the baby apparently being in a perfect position, and all were fairly confident that they could not see any abdominal wall defects at all. Gastroschisis rarely picked up so early anyway and is usually picked up at the 20-week scan. We will know for definite at the 20-week scan but as far as UCLH are concerned they see no abdominal wall defect and my consultant and community midwife are confident that what has been seen (or not seen as the case may be) is correct. As you can imagine going back and forth like this was incredibly stressful and draining and we’re keeping everything crossed for a clear 20-week scan. At the time of posting I will have just turned 19 weeks, so not long to wait now and I will be sure to keep you updated (but you can follow me on Instagram where I usually update a bit more in real-time).
Almost half way there
Now we’re almost at the half way point, once we’ve got the confirmation either way on the Gastroschisis diagnosis I might start to think about what I need to get for the new baby. We’re ready to deal with whatever comes our way of course but are hopeful for a clear scan so the baby doesn’t have to have a rocky start in life.
We decided, with the back and forth’s that have happened so far, that this time we will find out our babies birth gender. We never did with Hadley and also never had the desire to but this time we’re quite excited to know. We’ve had a lot of surprises so far so aren’t really up for any more, but also think it will be nice to have experienced pregnancy and labour both ways.
Anything else?
I know this is a super long update but honestly, it was such a busy and chaotic first trimester of pregnancy. Other than that I have had a consultant appointment to evaluate my previous pregnancy issues. In my first pregnancy I developed Pre-eclampsia at 39+6 so they are on the lookout for that and being pro-active in ways we can hopefully avoid it. I have been put on Asprin daily and know that there will be a lot of monitoring post 24 weeks, both with my community midwife and also in the form of growth scans and consultant appointments. I also suffered a postpartum hemorrhage with my daughter but it is believed to have been situational (Pre-eclampsia, induction, episiotomy, and a forceps delivery) and they aren’t particularly concerned. If you want to read about everything that happened the first time round I have my birth story on here too.
I’ll leave it there for today, because this is more than enough information to digest in one sitting. So far since the scan at UCLH everything has been a little more relaxing and I am thoroughly enjoying my second trimester, I think I feel better this trimester than I did in my second trimester in my first pregnancy. I will of course update somethings in the meantime such as how we get on with our 20-week scan, the Gastroschisis diagnosis and also maybe a little gender reveal too. Other than that I will be back in a couple of months to do my second trimester update and hopefully it will be far less busy than this one was.
2020 has been a year hasn’t it? The year we never saw coming. I was with the masses at on New Years eve & day declaring I was ready for whatever this next year and decade had in store. If only I knew I was in for a year of change and social distancing.
For 6 months of this year so far we’ve been locked in this global pandemic that has been sweeping the globe. For much of that we’ve been in quarantine and staying at home. Here in the UK, things had eased off somewhat but seem to be on a worrying rise again. Todays post is a title I had in mind back in early April and never got round to writing. As the world continues to tackle this virus and we’re getting a little more adept about what our new normal looks like I thought I would share with you how I protect my mental health when social distancing.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to cope with what is happening right now. None of us expected what is happening right now. Nobody on this planet is handling it, despite what appearances might suggest. Allow yourself to feel sad, annoyed, unhappy, suffocated and a whole other range of emotions that might come up. This situation is as unique as you are and each of us will handle it differently.
I make sure I give myself time to feel what I feel. This can be a whole range of emotions from worry about my vulnerable relatives, frustration that I can’t spend time with family and friends and even annoyance sometimes to do with how other people are acting. I’ll reiterate what I said; nobody knows how to handle this in the right way. We have to allow ourselves to feel our feelings and not suppress them. It is also important to give people grace as they navigate the muddy waters alongside us.
Whoever you are, whatever you’re circumstance and however you feel about the current world situation – you’re doing great. I promise.
Don’t beat yourself up about what you do or don’t achieve
The first weeks of being holed up at home social distancing were a novelty and I had so many plans on the things I could get done. Of course I didn’t get them all done in the time frame I expected. However, due to vulnerable relatives and still being very much quarantined at home and barely leaving I have managed to accomplish many home projects. If you have way to go. If you haven’t way to go.
There is literally no right way to navigate through a pandemic. Some days I feel like I’ve nailed it as I sit an admire the home decor project I’ve completed, the meal I’ve made and the banana bread I’ve baked. Other days I am annoyed with myself that I have done nothing. Such is the ups and downs of pandemic life.
With us all home much more this year we’ve all been on top of each other in our household groups much more than usual. Home has become an office, a restaurant, an entertainment venue, a school and much more. It’s important to still make time for yourself whether you read a book in another room, take a bath or stick some headphones on and pretend nobody else exists do it. Taking time for yourself is always important but in a stressful pandemic it’s even more important to take care of yourself.
This too shall pass
It doesn’t feel like it right now, and there is no current time frame, but this will pass. This will be a footnote in history, social distancing will be term that makes us all shudder and we will see our families and friends again the way we want and are used to. Stay strong, hang in there and do what’s right for you and your family.
